The following is an excerpt from my book in progress; The Voices of Radicalisation – The Influencers Profiting From Harming Our Youth.
You’ll find throughout this book I do not make reference to the term “toxic masculinity” – and I can guarantee I’ll probably have mentally used it while writing this. I’ve put some time and effort into replacing the term in a public space such as this book or some of the Tiktoks I’ve made on the topic. No doubt I’ll have to do a special re-read during the editing process to make sure that the term hasn’t been used, because it can be easy to use, and it’s a reliable descriptor for dangerous traits that are attributed to masculinity.
There is a reason that I am moving away from saying or writing ‘toxic masculinity’ – it’s become a weaponised phrase. Not by people criticising misogyny but by the people who perpetuate it. It has become what is referred to as a ‘thought-terminating cliche’, a phrase that allows someone to disconnect their critical thinking from a situation.
Simply mentioning “toxic masculinity” on my Facebook page will elicit a response from dozens of men to varying degrees of aggression, with very simple and predictable responses
Accusations of damaging men’s mental health
Suggesting that I’m attacking masculinity
Saying that I’m “siding with the enemy”
The men who profit from violent misogyny culture, whether it’s financially or through the influence they enjoy, have convinced their followers that this phrase is an offensive attack on the very core of their identity. One thing we’ll explore later in this book is that a lot of these ideologies stem from men’s feelings of insecurity in their masculinity or manliness. So when you use the phrase “toxic masculinity”, they hear it as an attack on their manliness, and react to an ego-threat.
So I avoid its use. Because we can’t have these conversations with men if they’re in the grips of an insecurity-driven panic, because they’re reactive, angry and threatened. Saying or posting about ‘toxic masculinity’ may close a door that we want to keep open – may shut down a conversation that is necessary to have to maintain relationships or support the mental health of someone who is under the influence of violent misogyny culture.
So what is it?
‘Toxic masculinity’ refers to behaviours and thoughts that centre ideals of male supremacy – especially patterns of invalidation, coercion, control and abuse, that are often portrayed as essential or traditional traits of masculinity and masculine men, despite the harm that these behaviours bring to families, the community, and even men themselves.
In some spaces and in feminist theory this would be called patriarchy – the idea that masculine men should be leaders due to inborn traits that render them superior to women and non-masculine men, and that women should be excluded from power an influence.
So what do I use instead?
In this book I’m going to refer to it as ‘violent misogyny’ culture – identifying that the sexism and misogyny at play here leads to the normalisation of coercion, dehumanisation and violence. What we’re trying to avoid is using language that would be labelled as ‘woke’ – another thought-terminating cliche that would bring a swift and abrupt end to the conversation.
I also use the phrase ‘male supremacy’ – deliberately evoking the language around other hate movements such as white supremacy. however I tend towards the use of the phrase ‘violent misogyny’ as I feel it is more accurate.
But how would I address it with someone in the moment?
A problem with online discourse and the propaganda of male supremacy influencers is that it seeks to create emotional reactions to valid criticisms. Toxic masculinity, patriarchal harm, these are great terms for use in discussion and academia – however part of beginning work with people who’ve fallen for this propaganda is meeting them where they are. We cannot begin to work with them if they’re in a place where they hear this language and feel as though their sense of self is being attacked. We can work towards it – but in early stages of the process of recovery and reconnection, it is worthwhile to use a tactic that doesn’t close doors, especially if the people we’re working with are our kids, or other young men in our life.
There’s been some recent discourse, at least recent as of May 2025, around using phrases like ‘dishonour’, appealing to romanticised codes of ethics – knightly chivalry, the samurai code of bushido, or other creeds in martial arts. These creeds often contain idealised or spiritual values that appeal to these young men, and we can begin here to explore language and strategies to approach these topics.
To start with – chivalry doesn’t have a whole lot of historical context behind it, and it was mostly for the uses of poetry and fanciful stories about knights in shining armour, but it may be a place to start. Some versions of chivalry suggest that it is virtuous to apply our strengths to making the world better for everyone around us.
Muay Thai boxers swear an oath to live with honesty and integrity. Courtesy, integrity and self-control appear in Taekwondo. Various karate schools espouse a code of ethics that includes living harmoniously and working collaboratively with others, and to act in fairness in all things.
Part of the challenges some young men face is feelings of disconnection from a meaningful life, and the world around them. We’ll cover more ahout this later, but for the meantime we can use values-driven language to explore violent misogyny without using language that elicits the programmed reaction.
Part of that disconnection is the starting point and an intentional byproduct of a phenomena referred to as The Pipeline.
Counselling with Mike 